Friday, November 21, 2008

A strange feeling

I don't have much today. No story, no insight, and no words of wisdom...and that's kind of what I'm posting about. I've had a strange feeling of emptiness this week. We've been fighting this for 11 months straight, without any real break. It has defined (and redefined) our life for all of 2008. Almost every emotion and every thought has been about cancer. Most every conversation with family, friends and acquaintances starts with "How is Linda doing?". The highest point and lowest point of 2008 has been about cancer....and now we are done.

I've been looking forward to this week since last December, yet I feel a void. It is truly an odd feeling. I can't quite explain it. For the past year, I've had somewhere to direct all my energy. Focus on the cancer, focus on Linda, entertain the kids so they don't have to deal with it, write a blog entry. Now, although we will never be the same as we were on Dec 12, we have to go back to living. What the hell was that like? I can hardly remember. This cancer has made me a better person, made my family stronger, and made me love Linda more than you can understand. Without the cancer in our lives, will I fall back on old habits? Being an unappreciative asshole. I don't know if I even like 'pre-cancer John'. I'm actually kind of scared.

p.s. - Cancer, if are reading this, this is in no way an invitation back into our lives. Fuck you and thank you (if that makes sense).

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A slice of humble pie

After all Linda has been through these past 11 months, at the first opportunity post-treatment, she got up at 5:15am and ran/walked 3 miles with her friend. No complaints. I, on the other hand, have been sitting on my ass for the past months complaining of a chest cold, shin splints, and/or a bum foot, pretty much any reason to not run. Needless to say I ran this morning. Thanks for the inspiration.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Step out of the vehicle sir

Today, 11/14/2008, we're done. The last radiation treatment was @ 8:45 this morning and the staff at Texas Oncology had a small celebration for Linda. Very cool. They are almost like family to Linda. I met Linda at Starbucks afterwards for a celebratory coffee before heading to work.

For some reason, I decided to take a different way to work. My usual commute has slowly been infiltrated by traffic lights. I'm sure there is a new one every couple of months. Damn suburban sprawl! The alternative route is longer, but only presents 1 traffic light. You can really fly along 1431. With the sunroof open and Metallica blasting, I cruised along at what some may consider an excessive speed (and what TxDOT definitely does consider excessive). Just as I crested a hill, I saw the telltale sign of Texas State Trooper black and white heading in the opposite direction. Ease off the gas...eyes in the rear view...wait...wait...shit!

Really? Linda's last day of treatment. What a way to sully a great day.

Mr. State Trooper was really playing the part. Mirrored sunglasses and all, although they were more modern than the stereotypical aviator style ones. Intimidating nonetheless. "License and Insurance please". "Step out of the vehicle sir". What the hell...for a speeding ticket? This can't be good.

For once in my life, all my tags, license, and insurance were up to date. Just give me my ticket and I'll be on my way. My inspection sticker was due to expire this month. The jackass who did my state inspection last November put the "11" on backwards, so it jumped out to the officer. As he looked closer, it seems the serial number was garbled. He ran the number back in his cruiser and after about 15 minutes, came back and said the serial number was invalid and that I was in possession of a forged permit. "I'll need to call in my corporal to see how to handle this". Mother %&@^%%#$^&!^. He informed me that with the new emissions testing here in Texas, there are A LOT of forged stickers.

Meanwhile, I sat on the guardrail along 1431 as everyone drove by and checked me out. 2 cruisers were now behind my car, so there was likely extra oogling on behalf of the passers by. Fantastic! Judgmental bastards!

"Sir, we're going to need to issue you a citation". This is getting worse by the minute. I rolled my eyes. "Hold on sir...we believe you, but we need to create a paper trail so that we can prosecute the person who made the counterfeit sticker. You'll just need to subpoena me in court and we'll get this all sorted out". Court? Subpoena? Arrrggg! I wondered for a moment if they'd shoot me if I ran across the field into the trees. Wait a sec...this is Williamson County...first they'd taze me, then they'd shoot me, then they'd taze me again for good measure. Better stay put.

As they peeled off the sticker for evidence, they looked at each other and smiled. "Sir...come here please". Apparently the Jiffy Lube jackass who affixed my sticker didn't scrape off the old one entirely, and left a bit of the old serial number, which overlayed perfectly with the new one. The sticker was good after all, although I was now in possession of a valid, but decimated sticker. I needed a new one this month anyway.

Corporal: Did you write him up yet?
Constable: Yes
Corporal: 3 or a 6?
Constable: 6
Corporal: Make it a 3
Constable: Yes sir

Cool. I'm not sure what 3 or 6 meant yet, but 3 has to be better than 6 right? Were they going to knock some mileage off my speeding ticket? Sweet. This is getting better.

Turns out 6 is a ticket and a 3 is a warning. As an act of good faith for keeping me for a 1/2 hour, they just gave me a warning citation for my speeding. No ticket, no court, AND I didn't have to blow anyone to get out of it! This is back to being a great day!

I tend to be a bit more aware of my karama these days. Was this the scales of fate tilting on my side as a correction for the past year? Or was it another test...do I need to pay this one back? I guess I'll never know for sure where my cosmic tally count sits, but if I try to be a good-egg most of the time, that can't be a bad thing can it?

Linda, I am so proud of you. You are stronger than I ever imagined and you amaze me every day. I will rub your head, bald or otherwise, forever :)

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Moment In Time

I had one of those moments this weekend. For the 8th year in a row, we went camping at Granger Lake for my birthday. It was fantastic. Linda was full of energy and felt great. It almost felt as if the last year hadn't happened at all.

That moment. As the morning sun began to warm the day, we sat on the beach while the kids played at the water's edge. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold. The dogs ran up and down the beach sniffing everything they could. We had camped here many times, and walked that beach more times than I can remember, but this time was different. I looked over at Linda and she smiled, watching the kids search for fossils and shells. It was absolute contentment, something I hadn't seen from her in a while. I closed my eyes and burned that image into my brain. No matter what life has in store for us, nothing can take that moment away from me. I know she felt it too. We made the weekend last as long as possible. Neither of us wanted to leave.


It is Monday morning and Linda starts her last week of radiation today. This week is all about the boob. Her neck and underarm are done so this week they 'blast' the site of the original tumor. Good riddance! As far as the numbers go, we have a 75% chance of never seeing the cancer again. In Vegas, those are fantastic odds. You can play those odds all night long and always come out a winner. When you are fighting for your life, anything less than 100% is hard to accept, but that's just how these things work. Regardless, that moment in time on the beach will be mine forever.

Monday, November 3, 2008

New Appreciation of Triple Negative Disease



A great article regarding the current understanding of Triple Negative Breast Cancer and how to best treat it. If your breast cancer has been classified as ER-, PR- and Her2- (about 15% or all breast breast cancers are TN), then this article is a must read.

"Marina Cazzaniga and her colleagues at Treviglio Hospital, Italy found in the NORA study contrary to other observations, that triple negative patients did not have worse prognosis, in terms of disease-free (DFS) or overall survival (OS), than others in the total cohort of 3515 patients treated in 77 cancer centers in Italy from to 2000 to 2003"

21,000+ turn downtown Austin into a sea of pink

http://news8austin.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=223459



Sunday, November 2, 2008

Susan G. Komen Race For the Cure 2008

A beautiful day spent with beautiful people. Thank you :)