Friday, November 21, 2008

A strange feeling

I don't have much today. No story, no insight, and no words of wisdom...and that's kind of what I'm posting about. I've had a strange feeling of emptiness this week. We've been fighting this for 11 months straight, without any real break. It has defined (and redefined) our life for all of 2008. Almost every emotion and every thought has been about cancer. Most every conversation with family, friends and acquaintances starts with "How is Linda doing?". The highest point and lowest point of 2008 has been about cancer....and now we are done.

I've been looking forward to this week since last December, yet I feel a void. It is truly an odd feeling. I can't quite explain it. For the past year, I've had somewhere to direct all my energy. Focus on the cancer, focus on Linda, entertain the kids so they don't have to deal with it, write a blog entry. Now, although we will never be the same as we were on Dec 12, we have to go back to living. What the hell was that like? I can hardly remember. This cancer has made me a better person, made my family stronger, and made me love Linda more than you can understand. Without the cancer in our lives, will I fall back on old habits? Being an unappreciative asshole. I don't know if I even like 'pre-cancer John'. I'm actually kind of scared.

p.s. - Cancer, if are reading this, this is in no way an invitation back into our lives. Fuck you and thank you (if that makes sense).

6 comments:

Jude said...

It was a year of spending enormous amounts of energies in physical and emotional places, and now suddenly you have to remember how to r.e.l.a.x. and enjoy life again. It's just a matter of your body and mind getting used to it again John, don't worry. Oh, and also don't worry about "going back to" whatever you might have been before, life changing experiences are stronger than that and you'll continue to be an amazing human being, husband and father now! :-)

Chad Moutray said...

This is a very good blog. My wife had triple negative breast cancer, as well. Unfortunately, she passed away last year. I have just written a memoir about my life with her. Perhaps you could turn these posts into a self-published book, as well, as others might find it equally interesting.

John said...

Jude, as always, thanks for the words of encouragement :)

Chad, I hope your book has given you some peace. You have walked in my shoes and gone further than I can imagine. I'm not quite 'ready' to read your memoirs just yet, but some day I promise I will. God bless you.

Jude said...

John, my sis Brenda had her mastectomy Friday, the reconstruction wouldn't work (her tummy tissue was just too fragile and kept tearing) but she has NO more cancer! Getting her through the healing now, and the disappointment of waking up missing one boob. She can opt for reconstruction another way, we'll wait and see if she wants to go through any more surgeries. (3 so far for one boob!)

John said...

Jude, you can take great comfort that your sister no longer has cancer. The psychological healing can now begin and I suspect it will be a lot more 'complicated' than the physical healing. Like me, you are a co-survivor and will play an important role in your sister's path to wellness. She is in good hands :)

Jude said...

Thanks John, both for your positive words and for your support!