Do the right thing

The drive-thru at McDonalds was too long this morning so I decided to pull in and order in the lobby.  On my way there, I found a $5 bill wrapped in a $20 in the parking lot.  I looked around, picked it up and slid it into my pocket.  Sweet!  As the guy in front of me started to order, he began searching his pockets for 'something'.  He told the cashier to wait and ran out to his car to get his wallet and returned to pay for his meal.  While we waited for our breakfasts, I asked him if he had lost something outside.  In a thick Eastern European accent he said 'I zink I lost twenty-fi dolla'. I reached into my cargo pocket, grabbed the fold of bills between my index and middle fingers and extended it out to him. 'Zank you wery much' he said.

Man that felt great!

So my question is...why the hell did I do that?  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did, but why?  Was it a completely selfish act knowing that it would 'feel better' to return the money than keep it?

Part of my left brain says it is a simple biological event engineered to release a cocktail of endorphins and dopamine that 'feels good'.  Over 4 billion years of fine-tuning, evolution has preferred variants/decisions that lead to the preservation of the species and it is that 'wiring' that makes us know what is the 'right' thing to do, because we are rewarded with 'feel good' drugs.  Caveman want food, caveman steal food, caveman beat on head with club for stealing food, end of line for caveman (and his potential offspring).  I think even Laplace's demon would have a hard time correlating 4 billion years of events with my McDonalds moment.

The other part of my left brain says this is environmental conditioning.  40+ years of personal interaction and societal influences (which themselves have been fine tuned over 10,000 years of civilization) yielded that moment in McDonalds.  The meaning of right at that particular moment was a personal one.  Someone else may believe the right thing to do is to keep the money.  Are right and wrong just shaped personal biases?  I hope R v. W is something bigger than that.

My right brain, which has been getting a lot of attention lately, is more confused than the left side but luckily doesn't require the same level of clarity than the left side does to operate properly, nor does it need to adhere to the scientific method, but I suppose that is why we have 2 halves (evolved or otherwise).  Good vs evil, right vs wrong, Nacho vs Cool Ranch.  Epic questions...none of which was answered in the LOST finale :)

It has taken me 40 years to find Hope, at least I think I found it.  Perhaps it will take another 40 years to find Faith and for me, I suspect right and wrong will play a big part of that.

Anyhow back to my McDonalds moment...as I'm driving out of the parking lot in my hail damaged 7 year old VW Jetta, I look in my rear-view to see the guy getting into his late model 7 series BMW.  I had to laugh :)

It's All Relative

Linda: Daddy can install the light fixture when we get home.
Daughter: But Daddy cut his finger on the hedge trimmer.  He's laying down.
Linda: I just had my nipples sewn on and I was doing laundry the next day.  He can suck it up.

How can I argue with that?  I can never be sick again....*sigh*

Fallen Soldier

Linda just called to tell me we lost another Pink Ribbon Cowgirl today.  She was 29.

Linda seems fine, however I am hiding out in my office waiting for my eyes to dry.  This shit is fucked up.

829 Days

It has been 829 days since Linda was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Since then, I have shared 829 sunrises with her and 829 sunsets.  We have tucked our kids in 829 times and told them we love them (at least) 829 times.  I am thankful for every day I get to spend with her.  I have stopped asking why and simply accept the gift that is given to us every morning.  Tomorrow will be 830 and I will treat the day with the reverence it deserves.

The Wonder Drug: Not Just For Hangovers Anymore

Incredible news, and applicable to TNBC, which in previous studies wasn't proven.

...It affected both estrogen-positive tumors and those not fueled by the hormone...

Aspirin cuts death risk after breast cancer

Large study of nurses showed 50 percent lower risk cancer would spread

WASHINGTON - Breast cancer survivors who take aspirin regularly may be less likely to die or have their cancer return, U.S. researchers reported Tuesday.

The study of more than 4,000 nurses showed that those who took aspirin — usually to prevent heart disease — had a 50 percent lower risk of dying from breast cancer and a 50 percent lower risk that the cancer would spread.

"This is the first study to find that aspirin can significantly reduce the risk of cancer spread and death for women who have been treated for early stage breast cancer, " said Dr. Michelle Holmes of Harvard Medical School, who led the study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology.

"If these findings are confirmed in other clinical trials, taking aspirin may become another simple, low-cost and relatively safe tool to help women with breast cancer live longer, healthier lives," Holmes added in a statement.

Holmes and her team studied 4,164 female registered nurses taking part in the Nurses' Health Study, an ongoing analysis of a wide range of health issues.

They started in 1976, looking at who took aspirin, watching for breast cancer and all causes of death until 2006.

Over this time, 341 of the nurses died of breast cancer.

Women who took aspirin two to five days a week had a 60 percent reduced risk of their cancer spreading and a 71 percent lower risk of breast cancer death. Six to seven aspirins a week lowered the risk of spread by 43 percent and the risk of breast cancer death by 64 percent.

Most of the women were taking low-dose aspirin to prevent heart attacks and stroke.

Ibuprofen and naproxen appear to lower risk too

Other drugs in the same class as aspirin also apparently lowered the risks, too. These drugs, called non-steroidal inflammatory drugs or NSAIDs, include ibuprofen and naproxen but not acetaminophen, also known as paracetamol.

But there was not enough data on these drugs to give a clear answer.

The researchers said they are not sure how aspirin and other NSAIDS may affect tumors but it could be by lowering inflammation. Other studies have shown that aspirin and ibuprofen can lower colon cancer risk, for instance.

"Aspirin has relatively benign adverse effects compared with cancer chemotherapeutic drugs and may also prevent colon cancer, cardiovascular disease, and stroke," the researchers wrote. It affected both estrogen-positive tumors and those not fueled by the hormone.

Holmes' team stressed that patients should not take aspirin while undergoing radiation or chemotherapy because of the risk of side effects.

And aspirin can cause stomach bleeding so it should not be taken without a doctor's supervision.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35426947/ns/health-cancer/

Nothing to report

All is going as planned, no complications at all.  Aside from some minor fix-up tweaks, the results are great.  We are eager to get going on a running/exercise plan once we are given the go ahead and Linda feels up to it.

This central Texas winter has been extraordinarily long and cold (by Texas standards) and we are anxiously waiting for spring/summer to arrive.  Life is good and it is full speed ahead :)

The Null Process

If you've spent any time around a PC, at some point you've come across the Task Manager. The Task Manager tells you what processes are running on your computer.

You will probably also have noticed a process called the "System Idle Process" which seems to take up an inordinate amount of processing cycles.  The truth is, most modern computers and operating systems *have* to be doing something all the time.  When they have nothing to do, they do the "System Idle Process".

Your brain is pretty much the same.  I call it the 'null process'.  When you are not thinking or processing the task at hand, your brain reverts to the null process.  If you were to come by office at around 4:30 in the afternoon, and I'm staring at my desk with a line of spit running from my chin to the keyboard, that would be the null process in action. 

Everyone has different null processes and in all likelihood they have changed over time.  At age 12 my null process changed from thinking about cartoons, comics, and Star Wars to thinking about other things that occupy a young man's mind...

Actually from age 12 to 25, thinking of vaginas and related accessories (butts, boobs, etc) was pretty much a foreground process the whole time.  At 25, I married my favorite vagi...errr...Linda and the null processes started to lean towards family and career.  How do we get ahead?  Is this the right move?  Should we have kids?  Should we have more kids?  How do we make more money?  Getting started is pretty tough, so the majority of the early years were directed toward my career.

Then, around 35, after establishing myself in my career, I started to realize that we were not only supposed to raise kids, we were supposed to raise 'good' kids.  That required a shift in priorities and my null processes started to flip-flop

and, I think you know where this is going.  On Decemeber 13, 2007,  my process table changed forever

and that's how it stayed for all of 2008. When all you do 24x7 is think about cancer, your mind tends to take you to some pretty dark places.  What's worse, at least in my case, is there was no outlet.  As the caregiver, I couldn't very well burden the caregivee with what I was dealing with.  That's when I started writing about it.  Sure I was still thinking about it *all* the time, but instead of letting my null process take me to those places where my fears and insecurities live,  I instead focused on telling our story and hopefully injecting some much needed humor along the way.

I think 2009 was our way of coping with 2008.  Our stated goal for 2009 was to have as much fun as possible and to make up for 2008.  We surely did, and I have the scars to prove it!  Subconsciously, or maybe consciously, I believe the unstated goal was to keep the null process at bay.  If you are busy doing other stuff, the null process never gets a chance to run.  When the cancer came back in July, we really overclocked ourselves, far beyond the manufacturer's (and definitely the credit card company's) recommended settings.  It really was all cancer, all fun, all the time.

and then, just this past weekend, an interesting thing happened.

It wasn't a huge event, but enough so that I noticed.  I think that is a pretty healthy sign.

My stated goal for 2010 is to devote some active and null processes to my career, which has definitely been a background process for the past 2 years.  Thankfully, I have had more support from my company than anyone could ask for.  2010 calls for a healthy mix of family, fun and career, and who knows, if I play my cards right...

Breast Reconstruction with Implants

I found this video on Youtube which is similar to Linda's phase II procedure

Post-op update

The procedure was a complete success.  The operation was about 1.5 hours long and after 24 hours, Linda is already off her pain meds and puttering around the house.  Incredible!

Thanks for all the words of encouragement.  As you can see in this pre-op photo from yesterday, with her great attitude, it is easy for me to support her in this journey.

Boobaliscious

Tomorrow is a big day.

Surgically speaking, compared to the mastectomy, this will be a walk in the park.  It is an outpatient procedure and Linda will be home tomorrow evening.  Recovery is measured in days, as opposed to weeks.

Psychologically speaking, tomorrow is a pretty big milestone and a very important part of Linda's healing, and mine too.  Of course she knows I'd love her if she had no boobs or 3 boobs, but having the twins back (even if they are adopted) is a big deal.

Wish us luck!

(I hope this goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyways.  Linda and I tackle most things in life with a smile and a sense of humor.  It helps accentuate the highs and take the edge off the lows.  I can't imagine doing it any other way.  Please don't interpret my sometimes off-color posts as anything less than complete respect for those women and families that have walked in our shoes)

All clear, Happy New Year!

Thank you for your prayers,

John & Linda

Merry bone scan and a happy CAT too

Monday is scan day as we try to squeeze in under 2009 deductibles.  I thought these were supposed to get easier as time went on, but they seem to be getting harder.

Please send your prayers, positive thoughts, whatever you've got.  Let's start 2010 with a clean bill of health!

L@@K - 2 Foobies - NIB - W@W

Everything is coming along nicely. We stopped in to see the surgeon yesterday and make sure everything is on track. It is. We have an appointment in early January to have the final implants put in.

During every visit to the office, I would always look over at the various sample implants stacked over on the counter.  Sometimes I would get up and play with them (I don't think 'fondle' is the right word here).  I just figured Linda would be getting a pair of those.  So, yesterday, as we discussed everything with the surgeon, he handed me one.  When I said "So Linda is going to be getting some just like this?"  he kind of chuckled.  He said "No, that's the 300ml size.  Go grab one of those big ones off the shelf, the 400ml ones".  I did.  I was liking where this was going.  "Now add that to the 300ml one you have in your other hand.  That's 700ml.  That about right.".  Shwing!

Did you know each foobie has a serial number? I guess they use it for recalls and such. Recently however, much to the dismay of her husband, they were used to identify the remains of a missing person.  Linda said "There, you can't murder me now".  I told her the implants wouldn't survive the wood-chipper.

Pink Glove Dance

More TNBC News...

Metformin demonstrates ability to kill cancer stem cells in mice

A positive turn of events for a "negative" tumor

Report Highlights Cancer Advances

University Hospitals begins trial to test vaccine for triple negative breast cancer 

Turmeric component curcumin inhibits breast cancer cell proliferation

A Day In The Life

Telemarketer:  Ma'am, I'm calling you today to raise money to help pay for mammograms for women who can't afford them.

Linda:  Yes, I donated $xxx.00 a few months back and since then, you've called me *every* week for another donation.

Telemarketer:  Yes ma'am.  We have 3 levels of donations.  $200, $100 and $75.  How much can we count on you for today ma'am?

Linda:  I donated my 2 boobs to breast cancer.  Is that not enough?

Telemarketer:  *silence*...how about $50?

Linda:  Put me on your DO NOT CALL list!

Telemarketer:  *click*

Ding! You are now free to play your cancer card

Linda's original cancer was staged as "locally advanced".  This meant that the cancer had advanced past the breast tissue and had spread to the lymph nodes under her left arm, but not beyond.  In treating the cancer, 19 lymph nodes were removed from that side for diagnostic and preventative reasons and the rest of the lymph nodes were irradiated.  This left her with a less-than-perfect lymphatic system on her upper left side.  I like to think of lymph nodes as gatekeepers which prevent infections from spreading throughout the body and keep them localized.  In addition to being extra cautious and trying to avoid injuries (burns, cuts, bruises) on her left arm, we need also be aware of lymphedema.

Lymphedema is a condition where, due to blockages or deficiencies in the lymph nodes, the body can not properly drain lymphatic fluid to/from the affected body part.  This can lead to pain and swelling in the limb and once it occurs, it has a tendency to become a chronic condition.  It is definitely something we want to avoid.  To date, Linda has had no symptoms *knocks on wood* of lymphedema but we are always weary of the potential.  Such a case arose on our recent trip to San Francisco.  In flight cabin pressure changes affects our bodies in odd ways and one of those is a movement of fluids to/from the extremities.  With Linda's compromised lymph nodes, it was suggested that she wear a compression sleeve and glove to minimize that flow of fluids in her arm.  She was fitted for both and we were ready to fly...almost.  Today's heightened airline security means that the metal detectors at the airport have been set to "extra-sensitive".  Sensitive enough that any metal such as a belt-loop, watch or perhaps a metal breast tissue expander port could set it off.  With doctors note in hand, we headed to the airport.  Turns out Linda's foobs didn't set off the machine.

If you've ever flown Southwest, you are familiar with their unassigned cattle call seating.  Basically, 24 hours prior to your flight you can check in online.  The earlier you check-in, the earlier you board and the better chance you have in getting an isle or window seat.  As a frequent AA passenger, I forgot about the mad online check-in rush that happens @ 23:59 before your flight.  Sadly, by the time I checked us in, we were in the last boarding group.  2 middle seats in 2 different rows was not how I wanted to start our romantic getaway and, with no kids in tow (remember: romantic getaway), we had little chance of family preboarding...but we did have the compression sleeve!  With the sleeve, glove, some fumbling for the boarding passes, and a little extra gravitas on Linda's part, we left the check-in counter with a medical preboard envelope.  I'm okay with the implications on my/our Karma.  It's not like we ousted some really sick kid from their seat, we just got to board first...but just in case, on our return, I made a donation to the Humane Society of Williamson County for some balance ;)

And by the way...San Francisco is an incredibly beautiful city and is the perfect place to fall in love again.  I recommend it highly.

.

Save it for a rainy day

We've all heard of that expression, and many of us live by it. What kind of bullshit advice is that? First off, why would I save for a rainy day? Wouldn't I want to save for a sunny day? Second, if it is considered a bad habit to procrastinate and put off things we DON'T want to do, why is it that we see value in putting off the things we DO want to, or saving money for our old age. If you are lucky enough to see 'old age', and believe me there are no guarantees, you may just find that you are too friggin' old to enjoy the things you always wanted to do. For every 75 year-old tennis playing grandma, I'll show you 10 bitter old men with bad knees or wives caring for their incapacitated husbands. Your golden years are NOW, not some mythical retirement age. Live it, enjoy it, now.

Is this a mid-life crisis? Crisis...no...mid-life...I can only hope. I turn 40 this week and that is very cool. I love my life and all those who share it with me, but I know all too well how fragile all this is. No regrets.

No news is good news

Foobie expanders are now full. Now it is just a waiting game until we get the Foobie implants.


You only get a finite set of sunrises on this earth so spend them with those people/things that make you happy, avoid the haters, try and make a difference and enjoy every day.

News you can use: Dispatches from the battlefront

• Metformin Selectively Targets Cancer Stem Cells, and Acts Together with Chemotherapy to Block Tumor Growth and Prolong Remission
• BSI-201 Enters Phase 3 in Metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer
• National Cancer Institute Research Identifies Unique Mechanism of Brostallicin's Anti-Tumor Effectiveness
• Breast Cancer Discovery: Vitamin A Derivative Normalizes Cell Growth
• A Cure For Breast Cancer Within 20 Years? Researcher Says It’s Likely
• Liberate the Breast Cancer Genes